Ode to Ology


I have been using your products for 2 years with the same level of enthusiasm when I first discovered you at Walgreens. Most people agree that love tends to fade in relationships, and for some it’s a logarithmic decrease over time. Yet, my love for you increases with every sheet of toilet paper I use!

Toilet paper forged from natural byproducts, specifically sugarcane husk and bamboo, is a brilliant concept! Every time I purchase and use you, fewer trees are being destroyed.  On a planet currently suffering from climate change (as proven by 99.9999% of scientists), deforestation is an issue people tend to forget about. Forest massacres are not the trendiest conversation piece, understandably. Many people don’t realize that forests act as carbon sinks, and that 15% of all greenhouse gas emissions are due to deforestation (www.worldwildlife.org/threats/deforestation).

Ology, you are beautiful on the inside and out. Your natural goodness is derived from two eco-friendly ingredients: sustainable bamboo, which grows quickly, and sugarcane husks, which would normally be discarded. I love that you are treated with H2O2 instead of harsh bleach. When I use your soft white sheets, I don’t have to endure the guilt of killing trees (which can take a minimum of 35 years to replenish) or harming forest creatures, so I owe you a big thank you.


and most importantly

my derriere

appreciate you

each and every day!


Hate Letter

Dear Gas-Powered Leaf Blowers,

I hate you. I hate the 180 mph force you generate to blow leaves from the grass to the street. What happened to upholding the principles of symbiosis and composting? Are leaves meaningless in our society? Bright joyous leaves enjoy resting on the soothing grass and should not be forced into exile onto the concrete streets. In order to fulfill their destinies, leaves deserve to live wherever they please. If they are not harming others, why should they be moved? I am frustrated that you fail to see leaves as equal members of the local ecosystem. I hope you are aware that The Leaf Preservation Society is constantly fighting for leaves’ rights and one day will prevail!

I loathe how your painful roaring noise causes me to lose concentration and become visibly unhappy, and I hate that most of you create 75 dB of noise at a distance of 50 feet and up to 95 dB at close range. This amount of noise pollution is so detrimental to delicate human lives, it has been banned in certain cities (Beverly Hills being the first).  A universal ban has not been established, and I wonder how much misery will take place before the American government passes legislation. How can clean yards justify the annihilation of gardeners’ hearing? Gardeners should be compensated for their auditory sacrifices; however, the emotional and psychological toll of permanent hearing loss can never be quantified. The gardening community has suffered enough, and I demand justice! Je suis Gardener.

Most importantly, I abhor your emissions. The gasoline fuel you use to commit your crimes is deadlier than you realize. Your engines release carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxides, hydrocarbons, and particulate matter which are contributing to air pollution and global warming. Yes, I understand that you do not believe in global warming. This is precisely why I hate you. Denial of one’s flaws is forgivable. Denial of global warming is psychotic and requires intense psychiatric treatment. I beseech you to envision the world of your grandchildren: a world that has been devastated by drought, floods, and civil unrest. Why can’t you comprehend that you are an accomplice to the murder of your own progeny? You may never hear the sweet giggles of baby leaf blowers in the future!

I must digress for a moment to address one vile leaf blower in particular. You know who you are. At 9 am every Wednesday, you roar continuously like a mentally challenged Tyrannosaurus Rex outside my bedroom window.  While I try to keep calm and continue working from home on my laptop (in my eco-friendly bamboo pajamas), your gas-powered droning noise disrupts the neuronal connections in my brain. Normally a sweet and gentle soul, I transform into the massive and ferocious Hulk…every single Wednesday at 9 am! I officially declare war against you and your kindred. As others join the anti-gas powered leaf blower movement, we will do everything in our power to advocate the return of the rake and compost pile. We will protest on every lawn in America and will not stop until each and every one of you has retired. Heed this warning: you will be defeated!


Anonymous hipster hippie from California (who sometimes donates to Greenpeace)